I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
You Might Also Like
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”