I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
You Might Also Like
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer