reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
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Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
oh good, now I can stop drinking
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.