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I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Finally, a door that understands me
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent