Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
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I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
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Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..