Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
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Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.