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[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Had to try this trend 😊
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.