I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
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Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME: