11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
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“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”