ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
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Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Real House Wines.