They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
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My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
🤣😂🤣
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.