INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
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How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.