Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
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‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
*me flirting
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert