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“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
I have two kinds of followers
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!