Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
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Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Brilliant!