My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
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20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
When life hands you women, make women laid.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
crazy
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.