Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
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You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Danger is very dangerous
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.