Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
You Might Also Like
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”