ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
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5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.