Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
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I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Happy Caturday!
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
I’d hang this in my house.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ