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Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Close call…
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.