Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
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“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure