Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
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I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Sign of the day..
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests