those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
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My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes