[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
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Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
True.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
White Castle for the Win
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
I cannot stop laughing at this
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”