Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
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[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
you gotta be faster
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby