Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
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i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
welp
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
If only.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting