Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
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moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me