The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
You Might Also Like
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.