Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
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“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
this is what they would have looked like, though
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
A wise man once said nothing.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
New comic up. “Ransom”
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question