The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
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Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
This is a true ally.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off