I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
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3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”