Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
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My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
“A little help here, Danny?”
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u