I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
You Might Also Like
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
bad news gang
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”