Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
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Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Always 🥴
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Left at a local drug store…
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
It’s a gift
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now