[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
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If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go