I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
You Might Also Like
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
I love the National Park Service.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not