[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
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Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*