Not all heroes wear capes…
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For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.