*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
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Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.