(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
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Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest