those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
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I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
so i’m at the stock market right
This raises questions
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
So creative 😂
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Carpe DM
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato