ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
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A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.