Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
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[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
o shit
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute