It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
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“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
good morning
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…