Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
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Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
adding to the discourse
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
The big book of baby names but for safe words
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.