And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
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It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Super Hand Dog Face
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
what the hell pray for carter everyone
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Seems kinda suspicious
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal