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Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Not helping
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I only treason on days ending in y
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Bill is short for Billiam
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.