After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
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Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
This kid is going places
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight