[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
You Might Also Like
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.